I feel like I could start a new diary for that, but would that be like having a photography journal I never upload to either?
Actually, while I gave myself that little bit of guilt, I am going to upload a few pics I took from Friday the 13th at the kids school. Nothing super photographic or anything, just some fun pics. Check them out.
The only bad thing about that is that it means that Summer will be here soon. And theres only one thing I hate about that word. hmph.
The knitted vagina was a hit. Everyone thinks its hilarious. Basically, its a large round knit out of some baby pink baby red heart that I gifted to my mom in a huge tub with lots of other yarns. I took that and knitted a smaller round out of the same red sparkley red heart I made Esmes Dorothy boots out of. haha, get it? I am going to knit a penis next, I'm just not sure when. Hopefully tonight or this weekend.
my obsession with MAC is out of freaking control! I started a Make Up Alley account (I am belladevil there) just to keep track of all my makeup stuff. The diary section is awesome, I just wish uploading pics were a little easier. Or that it used Flickr like my Ravelry does. I am so spoiled. lol. Also, I don't know who has been holding out on telling me what foundation primer is, but I now know why I've hated cover up for so long! Well, and until recently I didn't really have skin issues. :(
I made this tonight for a friend of Irenes. My mom keeps looking at me crazy for knitting up a vagina for a female, but if you knew Jenny, it would make sense. :)
I am hoping to go up there this weekend to hang out with Scotty a little. We are supposed to be going to see Paul Blart. It was that or Slumdog Millionaire, and does that really seem like a Scotty movie? its not even really a me movie.
And by "we're supposed to" I mean that I told him I was coming up Friday and we were going to a movie. I made it Paul Blart, because I figured that would be the bonus for him. Kevin James is funny, so I might be ok. :)
I spent the weekend up in Longview with Scotty, the kids, Irene, and Ross. Friday night was Ellies birthday party, so we went to this Local place called Stuffys, which is probably one of my very favoritest breakfast places in the world. Behind Prescott Cafe and The Pancake House in Longview who literally had a ham and cheese omelet that was so good, I was sad I couldn't bring my dad to have one. We went to Stuffys because on your birthday they give you cinnamon rolls the side of your freaking head! They set this behemoth cinnamon roll down in front of teeny Ellie and I swear to you, this thing was the same size as a huge dinner plate. It was really hard, but baked fresh, I imagine getting there early in the day, they would be a lot softer. :)
Ellie had a birthday dinner the night before with her mom and siblings and they went out to Izzys. In the middle of dinner she got all big eyed and said she was happy everyone came to her birthday, because no one came to her other party... :( Poor dear. The sad thing is that they are suffering so much through out this whole ordeal. Scotty has been getting up every morning at 5 AM to go pick up the kids and bring them to his house so they can sleep a little, have breakfast, watch cartoons, and then he takes them to school. They really are having a hard time with this whole thing. I had to leave a little earlier than normal when I came up this weekend and Kenzie gave me a huge hug and asked me why I couldn't stay a little longer, and Cody wanted to make sure I was coming back soon. Ellie wasn't really too stoked on me at that point. I went to give Scotty a hug and kiss goodbye and she shoved herself between us and pushed me back. She gets in moods where she does not like sharing daddy. I understand. I used to get all butt hurt, but now I just step back and give her some space. I miss my daddy, so I'm not going to get in someone else's way of spending time with theirs.
Saturday night we went to Irenes friend Jennys house to watch the UFC fights. Irene has lots of good, close friend who I like a lot. Theres Debbie, and Leila, but Jenny is so much my favorite. Jenny is so welcoming and friendly, I just love being around her. She's so open and comfortable with her sexuality (but to protect the innocent, and possibly embarrassed, I'll refrain... :P). We walked in to her kitchen and there was a large rectangle vase with some rocks and water in it. On the top there was a lone flower petal floating. I told her that when I walked in I saw it and thought it was a dead fish and I didn't want to have to say, "Uhm... I think your fish is dead..." she gave me this wild eyed look and said, "I was going to tell you that you were looking good, but now I'm not!" and she gave me a hug. She made me drinks with lots of whiskey, a little Sprite, and some lemon! The fights were cool. Rampage won, because he's a crazy mofo, the kids played Hampster Ball on the laptop, and I got my head petted like a dog. :)
So, I came home early Sunday because my mom and sister were both giving me shit about coming home and spending time with them, even though I had been there all week. I get home, take my mom to work, come home, take katie to work, and then spent the rest of my night alone... and they said they "missed me"?
I can't even tell you how much this song means to me right now.
I have been knitting quite a bit lately. I made my mom some mitts out of Cascade Pastanza and they are THICK! I used size 7 dpns and it seriously took me about a month. There is just something about knitting something, and then having to make an exact copy that drives my knitting self up the wall.
I read on the pattern for Fourteen that I am making that "One skein projects are like antidepressants in a ball. It’s like, just whip one up and you’re instantly happy." What I was thinking when I started it though, was that I would be able to breeze through it and have it done in a day. Unfortunately, I also have to hold down a full time job. I can't even tell you how amazing it sounds to be able to stay home all day, knit, and drink lemon tea while watching Tyra and Maury. That would be the freaking life!
Also, who invented this Brioche stitch? Did they have any idea what they were doing?
I found this video, which seems really easy. About half way through the project I realize that you get the same effect when you sl1p, yo, k2tog. So, instead of doing that weird k2tog that they show in the video, my method has made it much easier. I do knit continental though, so to each their own. I'm sure my mom, who knits English, would appreciate the videos directions a lot more. I just could not wrap my mind around that whole knitting in to the bottom stitch thing from the pattern.
I also made Ellie Mae a little "Princess Scarf" for her birthday. I had some GGH Ameile in this pretty pink eyelashy color. I followed the pattern for the Keyhole Scarf from Bernats Designs, only I left out the keyhole. (you have to have a bernats account to view those, but honestly, its free and there are amazing patterns available. So, sign up, duh.) Shes 5, the way it is made normally will be more than enough scarf for her. And once she gets too big, I figure she can just cuddle it. Thats all I want to do with it. Hold it in my lap and say things like, "Yessssssssssh dahhhhhling." and "A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up." Haha, hell yeah!
I have yet to get any decent pictures of any of these projects yet. I went out a few weeks ago and acquired an eye-fi card from Best Buy. The idea of the card is that you can set your camera up to send any pictures taken on the card and send them over your own wireless network (Mine is set up to pull them on to my laptop.) and even upload them to your online photo sharing site of choice, mine being Flickr. I had some fun trying to set it up. It didn't work the first few times, and my camera would always shut off before it got a chance to upload them all. Theres a few different sites that tell you how to extend the timer so it stays on and all your pics upload, but I seem to have trouble with it every time. Its still awesome, I just have to figure it out.
I have also been really in to figuring out makeup lately too. What I am working on now is purple shadow with brown eyes. It works out really well. I have this unhealthy obsession with MAC, and pretty much everything I own is MAC anyway. I am trying to acquire some blue eye shadow and pigments/paint pots/fluidline. I am also on the prowl for a Too Faced iridescent blush stick. I used to have one, and I miss it. :)
Theres been a lot of Scotty drama lately too. Today is Ellie 5th birthday and instead of letting Scotty have her on his scheduled visitation with her, Jennifer researched the parenting plan and found that they agreed to her having the kids on their birthdays on odd years, and him having them on even years. She just "found" it, ya know, right after 2008 was over. Convienient. I was supposed to go up and have dinner with the family for her birthday, and when this all went down, Jennifer said Scotty could come and bring 2 people with him if he wanted to join the kids at HER house to have dinner. I was trying to convince him that I can be a grownup and handle myself with class and self respect.
It just seems like a crutch now. It has been a short 41 days since I lost my dad. I remember my last words to him like it was yesterday. My mom and him were at our "fancy" Italian restaurant up the street, Amalfis. We talked about going to Body Worlds, he was so happy to talk to me he even snatched the phone away from my mom, just to talk to me. I remember getting off the phone, smirking, and telling my roommate that my dad was "such a dork, but whatever, I love him."
Fast forward to an hour later.
The call was the most terrifying thing I have ever heard. I could hear my mom, and there were voices in the background. Lots of voice.
"Ok, ma'am, we need you to move. You need to get out of the way." It was the voice of a man, he sounded calm. oh, my god, were they in a car accident?! "MOM! MOM, WHATS GOING ON?" I tried to get her to talk to me. "I need you here, now. Somethings going on with your dad." She sounded so shook up. "I don't know, he spewed something, and his eyes rolled back in his head. JUST HELP HIM!" The scream was blood curdling. "Mom, whats going on with dad? Is everything ok?" "I NEED YOU HERE NOW!!!" She started screaming in to the phone. I could hear her talk to the paramedics some more. "No! Its my daughter. SHE HAS TO BE HERE!" My heart sunk. Oh, my god. Dad.
My mom and me think he knew. That in the grand scheme of things, he saw his death coming. He made sure I got a good car when my last one blew up on me, he filled up the oil tank on the house to last all winter this summer, he took my mom on a train ride through the Oregon Gorge for the dinner train the weekend before he died. He had always been the good dad. He worked 7 days a week (graveyard for the first 25, and all the time I lived at home.) to provide for us, and on the weekends he wasn't working he would drive us (and any of our friends who weren't as lucky to have fun parents) through the gorge and we would stop at Cascade Locks to have ice cream or go to the Charburger for dinner. We would stop by the park out at the locks and play in the grass, or we would go to the Bonneville Fish Hatchery and feed the "sharks." (sturgeon at the BFH are freaking GINORMOUS! Welcome to the BEAUTIFUL pacific North West) Every Mothers Day dad would drag us out to the Eagle Creek fish hatchery for a picnic that, as tradition holds, included Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don't think we ever ate KFC any time of the year except for Mothers Day. My dad knew how to make memories, and he never shorted us on starting traditions.
Thinking about it still... its tough. I get all teary eyed, even if its good thoughts, and I choke up. Its like I don't want you to see me cry over it, even though I know I should just get it out. Usually I don't care, crying isn't a big deal. My dad means a lot to me. He was the one person who pushed me and stood behind me, he was damn sure that if he had his way, me and my sister would both do better than him. To the one person who had all the faith in the world in me, and I feel like I let him down. Like I should be more than this. That doesn't terrify me though, it just makes me really disappointed in myself.
I'm still not scared of dying. I'm more scared of what would happen to my family if I died. What would my mom and sister do? I'm still pretty scared of losing my mom. She has always been the sick one, and for my dad to pass first, it just seems so backwards... I really don't mean to sound morbid or gross here. I apologize if I do.
I wrote an entry in my personal lj the other day about how I wasn't scared of anything right now, about how this topic was so mundane and cliche and that, at 41 days after my dads death, what was I supposed to write about. I wanted to use this season as a way for me to grow up and become more of an adult and to use all the thoughts floating around inside my head for good, instead of just anger and sadness. I'm scared someday I'll wake up and I'll be all alone, I'm scared of the day my mom will die, I'm scared my sister won't go to college or that she won't fulfill her potential because some dude doesn't want her to be more successful than him, or that my car will break and I don't know how to fix it, that Dre will run away or someone will try to take him from me, or that that one guy who considers me "the one that got away" really is the only dude for me and that no matter how hard I try, I still can't find that attraction to him.
I am literally scared out of my mind over everything. My biggest fear now is trying to figure out how to survive. It seems so trivial. My dad was my go to guy for everything. If I needed help, he was there. One time, after telling me he would never help me again, my water heater exploded. I called my mom, sobbing. "My water heater tank blew up, and I can't tell dad, he's mad at me." He got on the phone, and without even mentioning our previous blow up, came straight to my aide. We went to Lowes, picked up an energy efficient water heater tank and even looked at new over the stove vent hoods, because mine went out. It didn't matter that we were mad at each other, or that we had been in a huge argument earlier in the day. I needed my daddy, and he was always there for me.
I would like to come back to this entry in a year and say that I have overcome this fear. That my dad wasn't the only person in my life who could make everything ok and that I posses that very power in these little old hands of mine. My mom used to tell me that I was so much like my dad and I used to get so angry at her. As we walked down the aisle leading out of my dads funeral, and I lead the family, arm in arm with my grandmother, not shedding a single tear, proud to be there celebrating my dads life and all his accomplishments, my mom patted me on my back and with a smile told me, "You remind me so much of your father."
It was one of the best compliments I have ever received.