Friday, November 16, 2007

I. Am. Terrified. lj idol

It just seems like a crutch now. It has been a short 41 days since I lost my dad. I remember my last words to him like it was yesterday. My mom and him were at our "fancy" Italian restaurant up the street, Amalfis. We talked about going to Body Worlds, he was so happy to talk to me he even snatched the phone away from my mom, just to talk to me. I remember getting off the phone, smirking, and telling my roommate that my dad was "such a dork, but whatever, I love him."

Fast forward to an hour later.

The call was the most terrifying thing I have ever heard. I could hear my mom, and there were voices in the background. Lots of voice.

"Ok, ma'am, we need you to move. You need to get out of the way." It was the voice of a man, he sounded calm.
oh, my god, were they in a car accident?!
"MOM! MOM, WHATS GOING ON?" I tried to get her to talk to me.
"I need you here, now. Somethings going on with your dad." She sounded so shook up. "I don't know, he spewed something, and his eyes rolled back in his head. JUST HELP HIM!" The scream was blood curdling.
"Mom, whats going on with dad? Is everything ok?"
"I NEED YOU HERE NOW!!!" She started screaming in to the phone. I could hear her talk to the paramedics some more. "No! Its my daughter. SHE HAS TO BE HERE!"
My heart sunk.
Oh, my god. Dad.

My mom and me think he knew. That in the grand scheme of things, he saw his death coming. He made sure I got a good car when my last one blew up on me, he filled up the oil tank on the house to last all winter this summer, he took my mom on a train ride through the Oregon Gorge for the dinner train the weekend before he died. He had always been the good dad. He worked 7 days a week (graveyard for the first 25, and all the time I lived at home.) to provide for us, and on the weekends he wasn't working he would drive us (and any of our friends who weren't as lucky to have fun parents) through the gorge and we would stop at Cascade Locks to have ice cream or go to the Charburger for dinner. We would stop by the park out at the locks and play in the grass, or we would go to the Bonneville Fish Hatchery and feed the "sharks." (sturgeon at the BFH are freaking GINORMOUS! Welcome to the BEAUTIFUL pacific North West) Every Mothers Day dad would drag us out to the Eagle Creek fish hatchery for a picnic that, as tradition holds, included Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don't think we ever ate KFC any time of the year except for Mothers Day. My dad knew how to make memories, and he never shorted us on starting traditions.

Thinking about it still... its tough. I get all teary eyed, even if its good thoughts, and I choke up. Its like I don't want you to see me cry over it, even though I know I should just get it out. Usually I don't care, crying isn't a big deal. My dad means a lot to me. He was the one person who pushed me and stood behind me, he was damn sure that if he had his way, me and my sister would both do better than him. To the one person who had all the faith in the world in me, and I feel like I let him down. Like I should be more than this. That doesn't terrify me though, it just makes me really disappointed in myself.

I'm still not scared of dying. I'm more scared of what would happen to my family if I died. What would my mom and sister do? I'm still pretty scared of losing my mom. She has always been the sick one, and for my dad to pass first, it just seems so backwards... I really don't mean to sound morbid or gross here. I apologize if I do.

I wrote an entry in my personal lj the other day about how I wasn't scared of anything right now, about how this topic was so mundane and cliche and that, at 41 days after my dads death, what was I supposed to write about. I wanted to use this season as a way for me to grow up and become more of an adult and to use all the thoughts floating around inside my head for good, instead of just anger and sadness. I'm scared someday I'll wake up and I'll be all alone, I'm scared of the day my mom will die, I'm scared my sister won't go to college or that she won't fulfill her potential because some dude doesn't want her to be more successful than him, or that my car will break and I don't know how to fix it, that Dre will run away or someone will try to take him from me, or that that one guy who considers me "the one that got away" really is the only dude for me and that no matter how hard I try, I still can't find that attraction to him.

I am literally scared out of my mind over everything. My biggest fear now is trying to figure out how to survive. It seems so trivial. My dad was my go to guy for everything. If I needed help, he was there. One time, after telling me he would never help me again, my water heater exploded. I called my mom, sobbing. "My water heater tank blew up, and I can't tell dad, he's mad at me." He got on the phone, and without even mentioning our previous blow up, came straight to my aide. We went to Lowes, picked up an energy efficient water heater tank and even looked at new over the stove vent hoods, because mine went out. It didn't matter that we were mad at each other, or that we had been in a huge argument earlier in the day. I needed my daddy, and he was always there for me.

I would like to come back to this entry in a year and say that I have overcome this fear. That my dad wasn't the only person in my life who could make everything ok and that I posses that very power in these little old hands of mine. My mom used to tell me that I was so much like my dad and I used to get so angry at her. As we walked down the aisle leading out of my dads funeral, and I lead the family, arm in arm with my grandmother, not shedding a single tear, proud to be there celebrating my dads life and all his accomplishments, my mom patted me on my back and with a smile told me, "You remind me so much of your father."

It was one of the best compliments I have ever received.

Written for week 2 of therealljidol

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