Monday, November 5, 2007

Who I are. for lj idol

This was my first post that got me to number 14 out of over 100 writers from around the world. I posted it 10/30. The repost is mainly here for my mom.

Introductions are one of the most important things you will ever do in your life and first impressions are everything. I guess I've always kind of believed in this. Meeting people is funny to me. I always try to be super nice when I first meet someone, usually depending upon who I am meeting them through and the environment, of course.

So, my name is Michelle and I am 23 years old. I am currently alive in Portland, Oregon with my roommate and her boyfriend, who are also my best friends. I have a 14 month old brown AmStaff named Dre. I work at an Electrical Apprentice program in Northeast Portland as an Administrative Assistant.

I have been a "writer" since I was a kid. I would write short stories, poems, essays, rants, longer stories, anything, just to write. As I got older I still loved writing, and I still got compliments, but the crowd changed and thats the only way to explain it. Everyone grew up and writing became less and less about expressing yourself and what you were in to and wanted to talk about and more about trying to outsmart one another. I occasionally would write things for my parents which would usually end up in one of two things: either my mom so happy she was sobbing uncontrollably, or me and my dad screaming at each other because I could "make a career" out of writing, but why would I want to try to profit at something I didn't even enjoy doing anymore? He saw it as a gift, and I saw it as a curse. I was still pretty in to writing in high school, but once you graduate and don't go on to college there isn't really a huge market for expository writing about the shipwrecks of the pacific northwest or Corsica, France. ahaha

My dad just died, and not to sound gruff or harsh or overly morbid, but we were a very close family and I think that its important you should know that about me. Its a very scary and intimidating and mentally straining time. Everyday I feel like I'm fighting something. I feel like I'm in this huge race to get over the fact that he died, but I hate myself when I start to forget about him, or I don't think about him every second, and I know thats not the case. I am supposed to deal and vent and its going to be hard and scary and sad and eventually, its going to be ok again. But, you couldn't pay me to think that right now. I wake up in the middle of the night because I think I can hear his voice, or I'll see cars that look like his driving down the street in the neighborhood and I still look to see if its him. My dad wasn't supposed to die this young, or before my mom. Maybe I'll be able to get in to that in a later topic.

I used to have all the luck. I used to tell everyone, "Someday it will run out and I'll be forced to deal, just like everyone else." I am guessing my luck ran out somewhere around December of last year. I've lost friends to everything from gossip to heroin. I've broken, lost, destroyed, shattered, and ruined pretty much every thing I've gotten my hands on, and I alienated a lot of people close to me, all by way of bad luck. This was the cherry on the top of my life-shit sundae this year and I am done taking it. I am determined to make a different mark on the world besides the girl that used to have the good luck, and right now I am content sitting back and seeing how exactly I can make that happen.

So, here I am. In front of my keyboard thinking of what else I can tell you. My life story is short; I was born in Beaverton. When I was 7 my parents picked up everything we had in our small house in the nice neighborhood and we moved to the ghetto. When I was 11 years old I had to switch schools and in a way to show defiance to my parents, I ended up falling in love with hip hop. I knit for all my friends, anything from hats, scarfs, to stash bags and pouches. I get way more excited than I should over old cars as I was raised around them. I was a cheerleader in middle school, a social butterfly and the "biggest flirt" in high school, and an outcast amongst my friends when we graduated. I worked at a diner for 3 years which I closely associate with the lyrics to "Famous in a Small Town" by Miranda Lambert as far as why I worked there for so long and why I liked it so much. When I turned 22 I hit a growth spurt. I moved and started working at my first "grown up" job. I still like to rock out to Creedence, blare Snoop Dogg extra loud, and I know all the words to Through Being Cool by Saves the Day. I am a kinesthetic learner through and through and can only grasp things when I can get my hands on them. And at 23 years old my heart was broken for the first time in my entire life.

So, here I am. Battered and broken, but I am ready to fight.

written for week 0 of therealljidol

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