a knitted vagina!

I made this tonight for a friend of Irenes. My mom keeps looking at me crazy for knitting up a vagina for a female, but if you knew Jenny, it would make sense. :)

I am hoping to go up there this weekend to hang out with Scotty a little. We are supposed to be going to see Paul Blart. It was that or Slumdog Millionaire, and does that really seem like a Scotty movie? its not even really a me movie.

And by "we're supposed to" I mean that I told him I was coming up Friday and we were going to a movie. I made it Paul Blart, because I figured that would be the bonus for him. Kevin James is funny, so I might be ok. :)

naughty dishcloths?

I am looking for something to make someone, but I want them to be "naughty". Boobs or penis would be good, vagina would work as well...

what an odd topic to look for. "Vagina dishcloth pattern knit" heh...

March Snow

I spent the weekend up in Longview with Scotty, the kids, Irene, and Ross. Friday night was Ellies birthday party, so we went to this Local place called Stuffys, which is probably one of my very favoritest breakfast places in the world. Behind Prescott Cafe and The Pancake House in Longview who literally had a ham and cheese omelet that was so good, I was sad I couldn't bring my dad to have one. We went to Stuffys because on your birthday they give you cinnamon rolls the side of your freaking head! They set this behemoth cinnamon roll down in front of teeny Ellie and I swear to you, this thing was the same size as a huge dinner plate. It was really hard, but baked fresh, I imagine getting there early in the day, they would be a lot softer. :)

Ellie had a birthday dinner the night before with her mom and siblings and they went out to Izzys. In the middle of dinner she got all big eyed and said she was happy everyone came to her birthday, because no one came to her other party... :( Poor dear. The sad thing is that they are suffering so much through out this whole ordeal. Scotty has been getting up every morning at 5 AM to go pick up the kids and bring them to his house so they can sleep a little, have breakfast, watch cartoons, and then he takes them to school. They really are having a hard time with this whole thing. I had to leave a little earlier than normal when I came up this weekend and Kenzie gave me a huge hug and asked me why I couldn't stay a little longer, and Cody wanted to make sure I was coming back soon. Ellie wasn't really too stoked on me at that point. I went to give Scotty a hug and kiss goodbye and she shoved herself between us and pushed me back. She gets in moods where she does not like sharing daddy. I understand. I used to get all butt hurt, but now I just step back and give her some space. I miss my daddy, so I'm not going to get in someone else's way of spending time with theirs.

Saturday night we went to Irenes friend Jennys house to watch the UFC fights. Irene has lots of good, close friend who I like a lot. Theres Debbie, and Leila, but Jenny is so much my favorite. Jenny is so welcoming and friendly, I just love being around her. She's so open and comfortable with her sexuality (but to protect the innocent, and possibly embarrassed, I'll refrain... :P). We walked in to her kitchen and there was a large rectangle vase with some rocks and water in it. On the top there was a lone flower petal floating. I told her that when I walked in I saw it and thought it was a dead fish and I didn't want to have to say, "Uhm... I think your fish is dead..." she gave me this wild eyed look and said, "I was going to tell you that you were looking good, but now I'm not!" and she gave me a hug. She made me drinks with lots of whiskey, a little Sprite, and some lemon! The fights were cool. Rampage won, because he's a crazy mofo, the kids played Hampster Ball on the laptop, and I got my head petted like a dog. :)

So, I came home early Sunday because my mom and sister were both giving me shit about coming home and spending time with them, even though I had been there all week. I get home, take my mom to work, come home, take katie to work, and then spent the rest of my night alone... and they said they "missed me"?



I can't even tell you how much this song means to me right now.

its been a while since I have really blogged...

Time for a serious update.

I have been knitting quite a bit lately. I made my mom some mitts out of Cascade Pastanza and they are THICK! I used size 7 dpns and it seriously took me about a month. There is just something about knitting something, and then having to make an exact copy that drives my knitting self up the wall.

I read on the pattern for Fourteen that I am making that "One skein projects are like antidepressants in a ball. It’s like, just whip one up and you’re instantly happy." What I was thinking when I started it though, was that I would be able to breeze through it and have it done in a day. Unfortunately, I also have to hold down a full time job. I can't even tell you how amazing it sounds to be able to stay home all day, knit, and drink lemon tea while watching Tyra and Maury. That would be the freaking life!

Also, who invented this Brioche stitch? Did they have any idea what they were doing?



I found this video, which seems really easy. About half way through the project I realize that you get the same effect when you sl1p, yo, k2tog. So, instead of doing that weird k2tog that they show in the video, my method has made it much easier. I do knit continental though, so to each their own. I'm sure my mom, who knits English, would appreciate the videos directions a lot more. I just could not wrap my mind around that whole knitting in to the bottom stitch thing from the pattern.

I also made Ellie Mae a little "Princess Scarf" for her birthday. I had some GGH Ameile in this pretty pink eyelashy color. I followed the pattern for the Keyhole Scarf from Bernats Designs, only I left out the keyhole. (you have to have a bernats account to view those, but honestly, its free and there are amazing patterns available. So, sign up, duh.) Shes 5, the way it is made normally will be more than enough scarf for her. And once she gets too big, I figure she can just cuddle it. Thats all I want to do with it. Hold it in my lap and say things like, "Yessssssssssh dahhhhhling." and "A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up." Haha, hell yeah!

I have yet to get any decent pictures of any of these projects yet. I went out a few weeks ago and acquired an eye-fi card from Best Buy. The idea of the card is that you can set your camera up to send any pictures taken on the card and send them over your own wireless network (Mine is set up to pull them on to my laptop.) and even upload them to your online photo sharing site of choice, mine being Flickr. I had some fun trying to set it up. It didn't work the first few times, and my camera would always shut off before it got a chance to upload them all. Theres a few different sites that tell you how to extend the timer so it stays on and all your pics upload, but I seem to have trouble with it every time. Its still awesome, I just have to figure it out.

I have also been really in to figuring out makeup lately too. What I am working on now is purple shadow with brown eyes. It works out really well. I have this unhealthy obsession with MAC, and pretty much everything I own is MAC anyway. I am trying to acquire some blue eye shadow and pigments/paint pots/fluidline. I am also on the prowl for a Too Faced iridescent blush stick. I used to have one, and I miss it. :)

Theres been a lot of Scotty drama lately too. Today is Ellie 5th birthday and instead of letting Scotty have her on his scheduled visitation with her, Jennifer researched the parenting plan and found that they agreed to her having the kids on their birthdays on odd years, and him having them on even years. She just "found" it, ya know, right after 2008 was over. Convienient. I was supposed to go up and have dinner with the family for her birthday, and when this all went down, Jennifer said Scotty could come and bring 2 people with him if he wanted to join the kids at HER house to have dinner. I was trying to convince him that I can be a grownup and handle myself with class and self respect.

I still want to pound her face in, though.

I. Am. Terrified. lj idol

It just seems like a crutch now. It has been a short 41 days since I lost my dad. I remember my last words to him like it was yesterday. My mom and him were at our "fancy" Italian restaurant up the street, Amalfis. We talked about going to Body Worlds, he was so happy to talk to me he even snatched the phone away from my mom, just to talk to me. I remember getting off the phone, smirking, and telling my roommate that my dad was "such a dork, but whatever, I love him."

Fast forward to an hour later.

The call was the most terrifying thing I have ever heard. I could hear my mom, and there were voices in the background. Lots of voice.

"Ok, ma'am, we need you to move. You need to get out of the way." It was the voice of a man, he sounded calm.
oh, my god, were they in a car accident?!
"MOM! MOM, WHATS GOING ON?" I tried to get her to talk to me.
"I need you here, now. Somethings going on with your dad." She sounded so shook up. "I don't know, he spewed something, and his eyes rolled back in his head. JUST HELP HIM!" The scream was blood curdling.
"Mom, whats going on with dad? Is everything ok?"
"I NEED YOU HERE NOW!!!" She started screaming in to the phone. I could hear her talk to the paramedics some more. "No! Its my daughter. SHE HAS TO BE HERE!"
My heart sunk.
Oh, my god. Dad.

My mom and me think he knew. That in the grand scheme of things, he saw his death coming. He made sure I got a good car when my last one blew up on me, he filled up the oil tank on the house to last all winter this summer, he took my mom on a train ride through the Oregon Gorge for the dinner train the weekend before he died. He had always been the good dad. He worked 7 days a week (graveyard for the first 25, and all the time I lived at home.) to provide for us, and on the weekends he wasn't working he would drive us (and any of our friends who weren't as lucky to have fun parents) through the gorge and we would stop at Cascade Locks to have ice cream or go to the Charburger for dinner. We would stop by the park out at the locks and play in the grass, or we would go to the Bonneville Fish Hatchery and feed the "sharks." (sturgeon at the BFH are freaking GINORMOUS! Welcome to the BEAUTIFUL pacific North West) Every Mothers Day dad would drag us out to the Eagle Creek fish hatchery for a picnic that, as tradition holds, included Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don't think we ever ate KFC any time of the year except for Mothers Day. My dad knew how to make memories, and he never shorted us on starting traditions.

Thinking about it still... its tough. I get all teary eyed, even if its good thoughts, and I choke up. Its like I don't want you to see me cry over it, even though I know I should just get it out. Usually I don't care, crying isn't a big deal. My dad means a lot to me. He was the one person who pushed me and stood behind me, he was damn sure that if he had his way, me and my sister would both do better than him. To the one person who had all the faith in the world in me, and I feel like I let him down. Like I should be more than this. That doesn't terrify me though, it just makes me really disappointed in myself.

I'm still not scared of dying. I'm more scared of what would happen to my family if I died. What would my mom and sister do? I'm still pretty scared of losing my mom. She has always been the sick one, and for my dad to pass first, it just seems so backwards... I really don't mean to sound morbid or gross here. I apologize if I do.

I wrote an entry in my personal lj the other day about how I wasn't scared of anything right now, about how this topic was so mundane and cliche and that, at 41 days after my dads death, what was I supposed to write about. I wanted to use this season as a way for me to grow up and become more of an adult and to use all the thoughts floating around inside my head for good, instead of just anger and sadness. I'm scared someday I'll wake up and I'll be all alone, I'm scared of the day my mom will die, I'm scared my sister won't go to college or that she won't fulfill her potential because some dude doesn't want her to be more successful than him, or that my car will break and I don't know how to fix it, that Dre will run away or someone will try to take him from me, or that that one guy who considers me "the one that got away" really is the only dude for me and that no matter how hard I try, I still can't find that attraction to him.

I am literally scared out of my mind over everything. My biggest fear now is trying to figure out how to survive. It seems so trivial. My dad was my go to guy for everything. If I needed help, he was there. One time, after telling me he would never help me again, my water heater exploded. I called my mom, sobbing. "My water heater tank blew up, and I can't tell dad, he's mad at me." He got on the phone, and without even mentioning our previous blow up, came straight to my aide. We went to Lowes, picked up an energy efficient water heater tank and even looked at new over the stove vent hoods, because mine went out. It didn't matter that we were mad at each other, or that we had been in a huge argument earlier in the day. I needed my daddy, and he was always there for me.

I would like to come back to this entry in a year and say that I have overcome this fear. That my dad wasn't the only person in my life who could make everything ok and that I posses that very power in these little old hands of mine. My mom used to tell me that I was so much like my dad and I used to get so angry at her. As we walked down the aisle leading out of my dads funeral, and I lead the family, arm in arm with my grandmother, not shedding a single tear, proud to be there celebrating my dads life and all his accomplishments, my mom patted me on my back and with a smile told me, "You remind me so much of your father."

It was one of the best compliments I have ever received.


Written for week 2 of therealljidol

http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/76142.html

My best day as a kid... EVAR!!!! for lj idol

I originally posted this one today, November 5th.

"Ok, do you want strawberry, chocolate, or vanilla?"
"STRAWBERRY!"
"One large strawberry shake, please."

The Humdinger was an old neighborhood drive in that my parents used to hot rod around in their 71 Vega at. All the party kids in the Capital Hill area of Southwest Portland had grown in to adults and now spent their Saturday afternoons with their kids on the benches in front of the tiny burger shack, sucking on milkshakes, devouring big, sloppy hamburgers, and inhaling fries. The food was good the way dive food is always good. Greasy, fast, and would make your kids shout in chorus, "THANKS MOM AND DAD!!!"

"Have you ever wanted to be a big sister?" My dad asked as he smiled at me.
"No way!" I answered back. My friends all had little sisters or brothers, or even worse, older brothers and sisters. Why would I want to give up having my own room and toys to have to deal with a little screaming brat? I don't even know how to share!

My moms smile sunk. I'm sure she was excited, as was my dad. Finally, another shot at a baby. My mom had suffered through a miscarriage before she had me and, at the time, it was probably the most heartbreaking thing had ever happened to her. My parents fought and fought, all they wanted was a little boy. They'd even gone as far as to pick out names. Had I been a boy, my name was to be Gregory Michael, named for my dads lifelong best friend who died in a motorcycle accident before him and my mom had gotten married.

"Well, your moms pregnant. You're going to have a little brother or sister! We just found out today!" My dad said as he placed his hand on my back. He was so excited. I could see the smile on his face grow bigger, I could see his eyes glimmer. My bottom lip began to quiver and my eyes got teary and red. I was seriously hurt. I didn't see it as they did, I saw it from the prospective of a spoiled, bratty 4 year old. I would have to share my toys, my bedroom, my orange tabby cat, and my mom and dad.

Kids don't see these things as adults do. My parents knew that me and my sister would grow up to be best friends. We would always have the other one no matter what, and if theres one thing you should be counting on, its family. I thought I had done something wrong. Why would they need another baby if I was there? Wasn't I good enough at being a kid? What did I do that was so wrong that you felt you had to go and have another baby?

I often times like to think of pre-sibling Michelle as the young Drew Barrymore. My parents, more than capable of LOVING a child, were not quite ready to stop being 20-something to have one. They would have wild parties and here I was, little Michelle. I would get in front of everyone and it was just natural. I would dance, sing, tell jokes, "she's so cute, look at her go!" I didn't have a lot of friends my age, and I didn't need them! I had the most grown up group of friends ever. Even though most of them were trashed, they treated me like I was the most special thing any of them had ever come in contact with. I was the first baby among the group of party friends. The last thing I needed was another baby to compete for all the attention with.

Katherine Mae-Del DeFord entered my world on October 9th, 1989. My sister proved every misconception wrong. From day one we were typical sisters. We fought, played, messed around in moms makeup, flushed weird things down the toilet, and harassed the neighborhood. We cry on each others shoulders, we STILL fight like cats and dogs, and we still stick up for one another. We go to shows together, battle on Guitar Hero, and we still take care of mom.

How could a day I was so bummed on be considered my favorite childhood memory? I think it caused a lot of major triggers in my life. In a short 4 years, so many awful things had happened. My dad had been hooked on heavier drugs, as was my mom. While having me showed them that they wanted to have a family and live this all American dream life, having my sister showed my parents what they were going to have to do to live it and that they had to clean up to do it. The parties slowed to every weekend, to once a month, to once every few months, to hardly ever. My parents grew up the day they found out they were having Katie.

My sister has grown in to such a beautiful young lady. She's a senior in high school, she's on the honor roll, shes a member of her schools leadership team, and she has had the same boyfriend since she was a sophomore. By all means possible, there is no way she hasn't made me proud. The Humdinger is still there. A few years later we moved away from Capital Hill and the drive in across the street from Safeway was farther away now. Every once in a while I get the urge to drive 30 minutes for a burger and fries. Unfortunately, I've never been able to look at a strawberry milkshake the same from anywhere.

How could the day I found out I'd be getting a life long best friend not be considered the best day of my childhood, let alone life?

Who I are. for lj idol

This was my first post that got me to number 14 out of over 100 writers from around the world. I posted it 10/30. The repost is mainly here for my mom.

Introductions are one of the most important things you will ever do in your life and first impressions are everything. I guess I've always kind of believed in this. Meeting people is funny to me. I always try to be super nice when I first meet someone, usually depending upon who I am meeting them through and the environment, of course.

So, my name is Michelle and I am 23 years old. I am currently alive in Portland, Oregon with my roommate and her boyfriend, who are also my best friends. I have a 14 month old brown AmStaff named Dre. I work at an Electrical Apprentice program in Northeast Portland as an Administrative Assistant.

I have been a "writer" since I was a kid. I would write short stories, poems, essays, rants, longer stories, anything, just to write. As I got older I still loved writing, and I still got compliments, but the crowd changed and thats the only way to explain it. Everyone grew up and writing became less and less about expressing yourself and what you were in to and wanted to talk about and more about trying to outsmart one another. I occasionally would write things for my parents which would usually end up in one of two things: either my mom so happy she was sobbing uncontrollably, or me and my dad screaming at each other because I could "make a career" out of writing, but why would I want to try to profit at something I didn't even enjoy doing anymore? He saw it as a gift, and I saw it as a curse. I was still pretty in to writing in high school, but once you graduate and don't go on to college there isn't really a huge market for expository writing about the shipwrecks of the pacific northwest or Corsica, France. ahaha

My dad just died, and not to sound gruff or harsh or overly morbid, but we were a very close family and I think that its important you should know that about me. Its a very scary and intimidating and mentally straining time. Everyday I feel like I'm fighting something. I feel like I'm in this huge race to get over the fact that he died, but I hate myself when I start to forget about him, or I don't think about him every second, and I know thats not the case. I am supposed to deal and vent and its going to be hard and scary and sad and eventually, its going to be ok again. But, you couldn't pay me to think that right now. I wake up in the middle of the night because I think I can hear his voice, or I'll see cars that look like his driving down the street in the neighborhood and I still look to see if its him. My dad wasn't supposed to die this young, or before my mom. Maybe I'll be able to get in to that in a later topic.

I used to have all the luck. I used to tell everyone, "Someday it will run out and I'll be forced to deal, just like everyone else." I am guessing my luck ran out somewhere around December of last year. I've lost friends to everything from gossip to heroin. I've broken, lost, destroyed, shattered, and ruined pretty much every thing I've gotten my hands on, and I alienated a lot of people close to me, all by way of bad luck. This was the cherry on the top of my life-shit sundae this year and I am done taking it. I am determined to make a different mark on the world besides the girl that used to have the good luck, and right now I am content sitting back and seeing how exactly I can make that happen.

So, here I am. In front of my keyboard thinking of what else I can tell you. My life story is short; I was born in Beaverton. When I was 7 my parents picked up everything we had in our small house in the nice neighborhood and we moved to the ghetto. When I was 11 years old I had to switch schools and in a way to show defiance to my parents, I ended up falling in love with hip hop. I knit for all my friends, anything from hats, scarfs, to stash bags and pouches. I get way more excited than I should over old cars as I was raised around them. I was a cheerleader in middle school, a social butterfly and the "biggest flirt" in high school, and an outcast amongst my friends when we graduated. I worked at a diner for 3 years which I closely associate with the lyrics to "Famous in a Small Town" by Miranda Lambert as far as why I worked there for so long and why I liked it so much. When I turned 22 I hit a growth spurt. I moved and started working at my first "grown up" job. I still like to rock out to Creedence, blare Snoop Dogg extra loud, and I know all the words to Through Being Cool by Saves the Day. I am a kinesthetic learner through and through and can only grasp things when I can get my hands on them. And at 23 years old my heart was broken for the first time in my entire life.

So, here I am. Battered and broken, but I am ready to fight.

written for week 0 of therealljidol

http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/69885.html